Why it is okay to relapse with anxiety

I am struggling to write this. I am gutted, I truly thought after 2 weeks being off anxiety medication that I was beating it. I had a reaction to Citalopram (the old meds I was on), I started these at Christmas but they were causing daily banging headaches which would lead into migraines. Yes I wasn’t snappy or tired or grumpy, but I certainly wasn’t me. After the doctors gave me beta blockers to stop the migraines I suffered with vertigo and had to come off all meds completely. That was horrendous – I was so ill.

Truth is – I wasn’t beating it. No the truth was after a few days off Citalopram I started feeling the snappiness return. My kids were the ones who took the brunt of grumpy mum while Mr B was a work. My poor kids – I feel awful.

I don’t want to get out the bed in the mornings. LB comes bouncing in (literally) and jumps on my bed with a cheerful morning mummy and all I want to do is turn over and close my eyes. My OCD about hand washing is becoming unmanageable again. I have to gain back control.

So, I went to the doctors this morning and asked for help. He has given me Fluoxetine this time. The side effects aren’t like Citalopram so I should be fine, I have to go back in one month for a check up so I will monitor myself over the next few weeks.

Okay so I feel gutted I am back on meds but do you know what…… I have to put myself first and be honest. If I keep hiding from it then it’s going to win and I’m sorry anxiety but you won’t win. You took over my life once – it isn’t going to happen again.

For years I struggled, I avoided going out, messing around with my kids when they were younger, I would avoid eating with my fingers – even a sandwich after washing my hands a dozen times during the process, I would eat with cutlery. I couldn’t kiss my kids in fear of their germs. I would get so angry with them if they didn’t wash their hands when they came home from being out and touched me or the kitchen surface or anything! Germs – I was petrified.

I was snappy all the time, the slightest thing would make me snap, I felt like I was a terrible mum, that they should have a better mum, that I was a useless person.

I wasn’t bothered with my Husband, it was a chore to hug him. I was so preoccupied at how awful I was as a mum and how much I OCD’d over germs. I was an awful mum and wife.

Being on Fluoxetine the first time was a real life changer. The black fog cleared. The fear slowly decreased and with it I started to gain control of my life. I felt more confident in being a mum, that I was good enough. I began to sleep well, I began to eat a sandwich with my hands, I OCD’d less and less. I had control of my life and sounds awful I know but I began to love my Husband again. I even got a job in a nursery – yes a kids nursery of all things! I only came off the Fluoxetine because my GP thought with my social anxieties that Citalopram would be better.

So I am going to beat you again anxiety. Even if I have to be on meds for life I don’t care. It’s my life and I will live it to the full and be happy!

Anyone reading this feeling low or struggling, please see your GP for help. We are only human after all.

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30 Comments

  1. August 4, 2018 / 7:40 am

    I have been on Fluoxetine for the best part of 15 years. It’s the only medication that actually works for me. I have to increase and decrease my dose depending on life stresses – at the moment I am still taking 40mg as I too find in snappy and short tempered on anything lower.

    It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I need these meds and that I will probably be on them for life because I just cannot function without them.

    Well done for recognising you needed them and needed to change them. There’s no shame in it. XX

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:23 pm

      Thank you Rachel. I remember you mentioning about being on them. I’m just going to have to accept it and enjoy my life 🙂

  2. August 4, 2018 / 12:10 pm

    A great post for anyone searching for support x

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:20 pm

      Thank you. I hope it reaches that one person who this post can help.

  3. August 4, 2018 / 2:46 pm

    Mama, try not be hard on yourself. We wear glasses or contacts or take allergy meds without a second thought. Just like these things, taking care of health including mental health is super important <3

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:19 pm

      That’s very true! I haven’t thought about it like that before 🙂

  4. August 4, 2018 / 4:42 pm

    Great post! You do what you have to do. Good for you for helping yourself xx

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:18 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  5. August 4, 2018 / 5:56 pm

    You are an amazing, strong person. Thanks for sharing your very personal journey. I hope others can benefit from it.

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:18 pm

      Thank you very much. So do I.

  6. August 4, 2018 / 7:04 pm

    Oh huni, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    I too suffer with anxiety, depression and OCD. It’s awful and I completely understand what you’re going through. Wish I could hug you through the screen!

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:15 pm

      Oh do you! That’s the great thing about social media, finding people who understand!

  7. August 4, 2018 / 8:03 pm

    This is such a great post. I don’t know much about anxiety at all, but it sounds horrendous. I hope your new meds don’t cause you any side effects. You are so going to beat this! Good luck x

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:14 pm

      Yes it is. Thank you, I am monitoring myself closely.

  8. August 4, 2018 / 8:14 pm

    Thanks for being so honest. Looking after kids with anxiety is so draining and just adds to the guilt complex

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:12 pm

      Your so right. Some days i can be totally beaten by my own thoughts, I don’t want my kids to suffer because of me.

  9. August 4, 2018 / 8:19 pm

    You are so right, everyone is human and we all need help every now and then. Anyone struggling in any way should ask for help. And we all need to pay attention to those around us so we are listening when someone asks for help. I often have days where I feel like a terrible mum and wife, it’s totally normal to have these feelings but vital that we don’t let them take over. I hope the meads work out for you x

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:10 pm

      Yes it’s the thoughts can take over and make us feel terrible. Thank you, I hope they work too 🙂

  10. August 4, 2018 / 10:47 pm

    What a brave post! Sounds like you’re ready to fight this beast again! Sending you lots of good luck, hope the new meds help you get your life back.

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:09 pm

      Thank you Rachel, yes I am 🙂

  11. August 4, 2018 / 11:56 pm

    I’m so glad that you’re getting help. I can understand why you’re upset about being back on your meds, but it’s a good thing. If it helps you, then it’s worth doing, because like you said, you can’t let the anxiety win and this is how you beat it!
    I hope you’re feeling better soon 🙂
    Debbie

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:08 pm

      Thank you Debbie, anxiety won’t win this time 🙂

  12. August 5, 2018 / 6:10 am

    You’ve absolutely done the right thing going back on the medication. Anxiety is really so hard to deal with. For me, one week I could be fine and the next I can’t leave the house. I hope you feel better now you’re back on the right medication x

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:08 pm

      Thank you, I hope so too. Anxiety really is difficult to deal with.

  13. August 5, 2018 / 6:41 am

    Thank you for this honest post – we can beat ourselves up so much over every little thing that it can be so hard to ask for help or push back when that help isn’t so helpful. Knowing that we’re not alone helps too.

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:06 pm

      Absolutely. Being honest and open is the first step, then it’s finding the right kind of help that works. One of the great things about blogging is realising that it’s not just me suffering.

  14. Lisa
    August 5, 2018 / 7:29 am

    This is a great heartfelt post and I have been going through something similar recently too. Sending hugs

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 5, 2018 / 12:03 pm

      Thank you. I hope your ok?

  15. August 6, 2018 / 11:06 pm

    I know how you feel and I’m learning to embrace it and heal each time… Hope you feel better soon x

    • rachelsdiary
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 1:04 pm

      Thank you. I hope you do too x

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