I am struggling to write this. I am gutted, I truly thought after 2 weeks being off anxiety medication that I was beating it. I had a reaction to Citalopram (the old meds I was on), I started these at Christmas but they were causing daily banging headaches which would lead into migraines. Yes I wasn’t snappy or tired or grumpy, but I certainly wasn’t me. After the doctors gave me beta blockers to stop the migraines I suffered with vertigo and had to come off all meds completely. That was horrendous – I was so ill.
Truth is – I wasn’t beating it. No the truth was after a few days off Citalopram I started feeling the snappiness return. My kids were the ones who took the brunt of grumpy mum while Mr B was a work. My poor kids – I feel awful.
I don’t want to get out the bed in the mornings. LB comes bouncing in (literally) and jumps on my bed with a cheerful morning mummy and all I want to do is turn over and close my eyes. My OCD about hand washing is becoming unmanageable again. I have to gain back control.
So, I went to the doctors this morning and asked for help. He has given me Fluoxetine this time. The side effects aren’t like Citalopram so I should be fine, I have to go back in one month for a check up so I will monitor myself over the next few weeks.
Okay so I feel gutted I am back on meds but do you know what…… I have to put myself first and be honest. If I keep hiding from it then it’s going to win and I’m sorry anxiety but you won’t win. You took over my life once – it isn’t going to happen again.
For years I struggled, I avoided going out, messing around with my kids when they were younger, I would avoid eating with my fingers – even a sandwich after washing my hands a dozen times during the process, I would eat with cutlery. I couldn’t kiss my kids in fear of their germs. I would get so angry with them if they didn’t wash their hands when they came home from being out and touched me or the kitchen surface or anything! Germs – I was petrified.
I was snappy all the time, the slightest thing would make me snap, I felt like I was a terrible mum, that they should have a better mum, that I was a useless person.
I wasn’t bothered with my Husband, it was a chore to hug him. I was so preoccupied at how awful I was as a mum and how much I OCD’d over germs. I was an awful mum and wife.
Being on Fluoxetine the first time was a real life changer. The black fog cleared. The fear slowly decreased and with it I started to gain control of my life. I felt more confident in being a mum, that I was good enough. I began to sleep well, I began to eat a sandwich with my hands, I OCD’d less and less. I had control of my life and sounds awful I know but I began to love my Husband again. I even got a job in a nursery – yes a kids nursery of all things! I only came off the Fluoxetine because my GP thought with my social anxieties that Citalopram would be better.
So I am going to beat you again anxiety. Even if I have to be on meds for life I don’t care. It’s my life and I will live it to the full and be happy!
Anyone reading this feeling low or struggling, please see your GP for help. We are only human after all.